Three Years Ago
May 30, 2017--
Today is the third anniversary of my mother's funeral.
As I reflect back on the celebration of her life, I am left with these thoughts of resolution:
"You left our world for something better.
We both knew it would happen this way long before it became a reality.
Tomorrows are never guaranteed.
In another time, another place, without distractions, without the factions of jealousy, maybe we could have truly arrived at the same place. I stood alone half the way there.
I know you let me go long before death was a possibility, but I also let go and found peace long before you found your's.
I knew what you meant when you said that "never was ok.” Those words still haunt, but I understand them.
I know the pain of what its like not to be wanted. My understanding of that pain became courage for me.
I grew to comprehend the “whys.” The understanding gave me strength and steadfast independence.
Despite it all, I remained devotedly loyal. I did not allow others to wedge in, triangulate, nor take advantage. The things you told me in confidence remain in confidence to this day.
This is the beginning of my own autumn.
I am in a much better place because I learned that being vulnerable is not a weakness, but a strength.
Emotions and feelings are ok. We are only hurt if we allow others to hurt us.
Our relationship is unique and special.
Others may judge, but those judgements are based on insecurity.
We share equally in our mistakes.
There will never be a voice that speaks to me for you.
The irony is that those voices are the same people who disrespected you.
Rest peacefully knowing that I have learned from our time.
Most importantly, our experience taught me to forgive."
(149-B/365)
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